So I'm not as elequent as my sister when it comes to writing. She just has a way with words that can just suck you in. Even in the most mundane of subjects! But today I'm not worried about that. Today I had my heart broken one more time.
As many of you know my daughters father is... well... he's a dumbass. I'm not suger coating too much.... but i just can't help it. Thats they way I am. Anyways, a few days ago I gave my daughter some updated pictures of her father. Cause the one she had... and cherishes... is from when she was a few months old. So I gave them to her and she absolutely loved them. She carried them around with her for the whole day. She probably would be continuing carrying them with her, except she left them at my moms house. Which I'm actually grateful for. So she was looking at them and asks me where her daddy is at. I say my usual, "He lives in Arkansas now baby." And she looks up at me and says, "I want to go live with my daddy." Of course I'm immediately upset by this. She stands up, crawls into my lap, and she says, "I'll come back to live with you soon. I promise." And the only thing I can think at that moment is, "You fucking bastard."
I have forgiven him many things in our years together. I forgave him leaving me a few times. For lying to me... for drinking... for almost everything. But I CAN NOT forgive him for breaking her heart. For fucking thinking that he had a future in Arkansas, away from his family! I mean seriously what a dumb ass thing to do. I'm sorry for these next few sentences... but they were how i felt.
I loved him. I loved him so much I took him back when he dumped me after i got pregnant. It may have been cause we had a child together but who knows. Anyways, I loved him all the way up to a month after he moved to Arkansas and I knew he was never going to be coming back for her. Not for me, not for his friends who were like family to the both of us, but for her. Cause all she knows is that she adores her father, but she doesn't know him. She 'knows' that he loves her, but she can never, NEVER count on him for anything. And she has no idea when she is ever going to see his face again.
I can never forgive him for that. For breaking our daughters heart. Many will say that she is better off without him. But I want any of you saying that to think, could I have lived without my father?? I will never forgive him for that.
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Your daughter is the most beautiful little girl on this earth. She is a joy to be around, and he's a complete idiot for not wanting to be part of her life. He will realize one day. I hate that she has to wonder where her dad is...that is really sad. This broke my heart too...:(
ReplyDeletei looove you.
--ran
Wow, after 25 years my daughter finely opens up, what a wonderful insight you gave me Courtney, thank you for that gift. There is no doubt it has been very hard, and will be for a long long time. Just always remind yourself and your daughter of what you DO have, good friends like Ran (and many many others), family on both sides that will do most anything for you, and a good job in an uncertain economy! I know this does not make the hurt go away, nor will it ever, it just helps a little tiny bit when you need it most.
ReplyDeleteKeep it coming darling daughter of mine! And remember WE love you!
Dad
And get your wash done :)
ReplyDeleteim not eloquent... just funny lol this made me cry! it breaks my heart as well when she talks about her father because you can just see the confusion in her eyes... but she will grow up someday (hopefully not soon!) and will understand it might have been for the better and maybe hopefully she can have a relationship with him then... but who knows... all i know is i love you and your daughter more than anything and would do anything for you... so if you want me to fly there and kick his ass i'm sure i could get a few guys to do it for me
ReplyDeletehaha i love you seestor... never forget that
-ME!
Courtney, I wish I could say something intelligent and wise to make things better. But anything I might presume to say at this point will sound truly trite after your opening up, and sharing your wisdom from this life experience! I used to think my Kids did NOT love me! I was wrong! Erin M. is a very special gift from God, and she already knows who is there for her! And who cares! And she will grow up knowing how hard you worked to make a good life for her! Never forget that! You are special, and your strong personality and willpower are evident is this precious child! You already gave her your best, and that was before she was even born! Great Uncle Dave!
ReplyDelete